Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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