Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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