I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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