you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
