i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
