I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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