My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
