Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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