ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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