I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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