Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
