I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
