I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
