If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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