The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
