I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize