it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
