And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.