if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive