Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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