Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?