I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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