Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
birth control should be required to get into college
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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