I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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