Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
