Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
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I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
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