Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.