so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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