I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
