He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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