What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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