why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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