How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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