It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
