So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
