your thong is hanging out like whoa
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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