So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.