oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
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They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
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you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot