Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant