So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
