Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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