your parents love me but you hate me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Rumble strips road head = magical
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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