after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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