FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
