I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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