I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
