after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
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We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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