So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
