dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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