sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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