Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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