remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
