Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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