meet me or not, i'm out of control
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
