I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
