I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
