Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
