And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
