i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
